Follow your dreams

I was at some type of bar with my roommate Elizabeth. She turned to be and said "You're so sad." And I replied, "I know, I need to call my mom"

And then I woke up. And called my mom.

I told her how my heart and my head wasn't into taking the LSAT because of my preoccupation with her diagnosis of cancer and my limbo land relationship. She told me do whatever you need to do with your limbo land, and then she was fine and cancer free.

Then she told me her and my father were getting a divorce. They've threatened to get a divorce many times throughout my life, some threats more serious then others, but all in the end empty.

But this one seemed more real. And maybe I knew this was coming. Last time I went home I had bought my dad eau claires from the italian bakery down the street from my house, that he's enjoyed in the past. When I tried to give them to him, he refused them.

And then my mom told me how he said to her, she could croak and he wouldn't care (in regards to her cancer).


So what this really tells me is this is going to be a long year of my dad being a crazy abusive vengeful piece of shit to the whole family. It's like high school all over again. He hasn't reached out to me about the divorce yet. I doubt he will, but I'm curious to see where this goes and if he'll end up being in my life later on. Because looking at it right now there's a good change he might not be. And deep down in the darkest part of my psyche, that's something I've always wanted.

And I know I should feel kind of guilty for that, and maybe if that happened in real life I would feel different. But he's a terribly toxic person. And everyone in my family could do better.




2012: The End of the World?

Au revoir Baby Pills

So I've decided to go off my birth control for the first time in years. (we're ignoring that one month I went off of it when I was 19. That was an insurance thing and not my choice.)

And September starts my actual trying to be gluten free. This shit is long overdue.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I wish I was not so lazy.


I need to cut all of my hair off soon. And I'm seriously considering dying it blond but.. we'll see.

But I'm not sure if I should just do it now or wait until the LSAT is over. Decisions Decisions.

One of the many reasons I spent 21 depressed.

I GOT FAT.

What can I sayyyyyy. I'm American. lolz.

I've always struggled with my weight and I don't know when all this fat snuck up on me so fast.

I knew I had gotten fat because for the first time, since maybe my "chubby years", I had back fat :(

When I side twisted, or looked in the mirror, and big flap of skin would form between my hip and bra strap area. What a sad reality.

I was also fat before I went to Europe. But walking all over creation across the pond helped me slim down quick.

Anyway. I'm working on it. I'm trying to be dedicated. Fingers crossed. I need this.






[Okay I'll put my vanity back in it's bag. By the way there's two full moons this month. The blue moon is this Friday. Be careful this week! Strange things are always afoot during the full moon]

Me being a douche

Totally ditched my roommate last night during her 21st birthday plans. She invited a work friend over who was running the show, which is how I rationalize ditching her. Janelle's original plan was to walk 15+ blocks to North ave. bars instead of walking 2 blocks to the houses on Brady st. Then her work friend wanted to go to the bars by our house and then trek the 15+ blocks to North Ave. Except Janelle didn't turn 21 till Midnight which gave us only two and a half hours to do all of this. Which was not worth it to sober Me.

Today, I made stew, studied for an hour, did 20 minutes of yoga, my sweeps. And now I'm just sitting watching the kardashians and ignoring my limbo land relationship. I keep telling him I'll meet him and then I wimp out by the end of the day because i have anxiety.

Bleeeeeeeeeh. I need to put my big girl pants on.

Apple pie. Not the dessert.

So I told my limbo land relationship it needs to end. And essentially he told me that I do love him and that we can work out. Which of course completely disregards the things I actually want. But that's what denial does to a person.

Also there's a difference between loving a person and being in love with that person.

I told Courtney that I'm taking a vow of celibacy. For at least 60 days. That way since I know I can't focus on men (because of said vow) I will focus on the more important things that I REALLY need to work on right now: My life, Myself, My happiness, My health.... THE LSAT dundundun

My roommates 21st birthday is today. Yesterday I gave her my gifts, a penis pinata and a birthday tiara. I made apple pie in preparation for tonight. T-minus five hours until I'm wasted.

Post-21

Soooooo I turned 22. AND I've for sure decided I need to end my limbo relationship. Its draining. And making me fat.

Essentially my birthday killed any chance at being gluten free. How can I say no to the 2 cakes and 3 cupcakes I received from dedicated admirers? [ Dedicated admirers being people I browbeat into buying me sugar to prove their love. ] I will limp my way back onto the path of gluten free........maybe starting labor day.

This weekend is one of my roommates birthdays. She's turning 21. And the following weekend is my other roommate's birthday. However the roommate with the later birthday is a Virgo, not a Leo. Boo.

Where are all  my terribly relaxed epically liberal kindred spirits. I could use some of those right now.

I wish it would rain to justify my laziness.

Today, Roommate 2 and I tried to get to a beach volley ball tournament. Ended up at park a mile away, paying for parking. We wandered around lost, discovering a marina in the way of our path, and stumbled back to the car.

Then we found a park in Riverwest to sit at and smoke. Painted an ugly picture at home with acrylic paint. Had dinner at Culvers with her parents. Ate gluten like it was no ones business.

I really need to stop smoking again. I need to get my ass in gear. But I just can't.

Life is frustrating.